There are many people who find holiday gatherings a delight and look forward to them nearly
year-round! Holiday get togethers abound this time of year: family reunions, connecting with
friends, or small/large holiday parties with friends, acquaintances, and colleagues. These
gatherings may not be so pleasurable depending on the interactions and relationship histories of
those present.
However, depending on the event, feelings of obligation and the pressure to attend can become
standard, even though all the long-standing relationship difficulties and feelings may still be
present. If you are struggling with “residue” from past relationships or even outright discord,
you may decide to pass on the invitation. If your attendance is sporadic enough, the invitations
can cease, in turn perhaps leaving you feeling guilt, isolation, maybe even relieved. Frequently, the stress finds its way into the relationship with your partner or spouse (if you have
one), and can be especially so if the difficulties lie with your partners’ family and you both have
different incentives to attend.
There are however, steps you can take to not only prepare for potentially stressful gatherings,
but also make it more likely that you can benefit from attending:
Ensure that you and your partner are on the same page and are making ongoing, collaborative decisions about how to respond to the invite; together deciding how long and under what conditions you might leave. This pre-gathering discussion could encompass your lodging (will you and your partner stay at your parent’s home in your childhood bedroom?), how it will impact you financially (travel, gifts, time off), or how to check in to the other’s needs throughout the event.
Don't make the get-together about mending all the historical slights or wrongs that have occurred but rather, decide how you can make the get together the most positive for you. At the same time consider whether continuing to harbor ill-will toward others benefits you or supports your well-being.
Leave unreasonable expectations toward others (and yourself) off your calendar until mid-January. In other words, expecting people to behave differently than they have in the past will only add to your frustration, resentment, and lead to heated arguments which are not likely to change them or make you feel better.
Create and plan for positive interactions that align with your values while not insisting that anyone agree, affirm, or support them (or you).
You can set the stage for how you choose to respond or not respond toward the parent, sibling,
or coworker who either drinks too much and behaves in dramatic and conflictual ways. You can
choose in advance what you will do when faced with antagonistic, unloving, unaccepting, or
uncaring behaviors from others. Most important is choosing what to say or do when you feel
disappointment, embarrassment, or shame; know that saying and doing nothing is also a good
choice.
If you insist on bringing up hot-button issues or engaging in a power struggle, it is most likely an
attempt to prove yourself right or assuage your own internal emotional experience. Depending
on the respect or history of the relationship, power struggles don’t often lead to greater mutual
respect or mending historical relationship faults. Consider avoiding events where the rituals include deriding others and the only relational ‘glue’ is a shared hatred, distrust, or antagonism toward a third person or group who is considered wrong or incompetent. It is too easy to remain angry, justified, or righteous.
A positive approach to celebrating is one where an attempt is made to focus and identify shared
values with those in attendance. One example is to celebrate a year of success, togetherness, or
relationship connection. It can be as simple as celebrating community, which can lead to
feelings of accomplishment, grace, and gratitude.
And if you decide that you will not attend for whatever reason and would like to stay true to the
message of gratitude and grace, say, “Thank you, I appreciate the invitation but circumstances
don’t work for me this time around. Please keep me (us) in mind and send positive thoughts
your way!”
Peace- Scott