The Moment of Clarity -
In my work as a mental health and marriage and family therapist there are frequently breakthrough moments for clients. These moments come when a person comes to realize that their efforts to change another, live with ongoing stress and fear about the future, and constant worry are breeding and leading to a lack of self-awareness and further personal suffering.
Anger and resentment are frequently symptoms of this way of life because the cause and source of the pain is mistakenly believed to be externally caused by situations, circumstances, and other people. We insist that if life were different or we were understood, our unrecognized emotions would just disappear and happiness could begin.
These breakthrough moments occur when a person decides to choose a different path, when there is a recognition they have the ability to adjust their internal temperature, expectations, and energies toward being different and better- regardless of others’ cooperation or support. I’ve seen these emotional moments occur for some at 25 years of age and others at 75. These occur with emotions of joy, relief, and sometimes sorrow. Sorrow is usually around the thought that they should have known all this sooner and how much suffering might have been avoided.
An epiphany or a breakthrough moment can be powerful and empowering but it doesn’t guarantee a person will shed resentment, blame, or anger toward another or circumstances. Even if resentment and blame is the spark that motivates taking a new path, a person can decide that in order to maintain control in their life it requires hanging onto, and even increasing resentment, blame, and anger.
At times this strategy is the only one that appears to work when someone has never really known who they are or they’ve been driven by guilt, shame, or fear. In these cases, blame and resentment may be the only way to not ‘give in’ or lose the self to another's influence, power, and/or desires. Consider the domestic violence victim who has lived in fear and under the direction of an abuser whose actions have systematically removed any sense of self-value and autonomy. Anger may be the only way to find a path through and out.
However, it is more common that blame, resentment, and anger are used to avoid being hurt again or avoid feeling controlled; it can be that holding on to resentment, blame, and anger is merely a more familiar, accepted, and habitual way to live.
The Daily Practice of the Anger Habit -
Most of us don't live under the specter of constant scrutiny and fear, so why is it anger and resentment such a feature of our daily lives? In the first place, many of us have never considered how to approach changing our daily thoughts, emotions, or actions… and if we have, we may have decided to both justify them and then hold others accountable for our internal experiences. This is reflected in comments or thoughts like, "YOU made me angry." or "If you hadn't said that, I wouldn't have done THAT!". We practice and reinforce the same thoughts, actions, and emotions we always have, thereby creating and enforcing neurological pathways making it more likely we’ll do the same thing next time.
Anger and resentment are not only the symptoms of a lack of personal awareness but also lead to further relational conflict, estrangement, and stress-related health problems. Strangely enough, if you allow yourself to harbor and hang on to anger and resentment, you end up giving your power away to the very person or people you desire to be freed from! A form of emotional reactivity develops while being tied to emotional relationships where feelings of stress, anxiety, fear, and resentment are developed, maintained, and intensified. You then end up with an anger management problem. I encourage clients who identify this as their problem to consider this less of an anger management problem and more of giving away personal power and autonomy to others that in turn dictate the terms of internal peace and awareness.
Breaking Chains of Resentment and Anger -
Surprisingly, you may already possess the key to the chains of anger and resentment, and only you can decide to use them. Consider the idea that if by practicing being a victim of your emotions, you will become a victim of circumstance (and feeling victimized is not the same as being an actual victim).
Take stock of your own experiences, including habits, emotions, and thoughts that lead you down the path of believing others and circumstances must be different and then feeling victimized. In reality, most of us have thousands of feelings and thoughts that are not significantly consequential until we act on them. Your thoughts of being self-justified and efforts to change others around you lead to most of the negative consequences you experience. Even if you don't act on your emotional experiences and thoughts, when you believe you are a victim, it is easier to maintain resentment, blame, and anger (these are usually less-than enjoyable experiences).
If you find yourself feeling stuck, frustrated, and grieving relationship difficulties, finances, or the state of the world, offer yourself a new perspective. Instead of repeated efforts to avoid your reactions to others or circumstances, ask yourself if your reactivity is actually a symptom of holding onto anger and resentment in order to cope with sadness, grief, disappointment, embarrassment, or fear.
In Summary -
By changing the way you look at anger and resentment as a symptom of other emotions, thoughts, and experiences in your life, you can decide whether they are necessary to hold onto as you go about your daily routine. You can still engage in changing the world or others if you choose, but perhaps it can be done while recognizing the need for human compassion and peace in your own life. Personal autonomy, responsibility, and choice is yours to keep, hold, and come to know.