In my book Taming the Volcano, I explain how the term paper tiger is a term used to describe a menace or threat that does not pose any real physical or even emotional harm, yet evokes a fight or flight (survival) response.
Every day paper tigers leap from online blogs, media streams, or twitter feeds that usually begin with a headline of some ‘Breaking news!’. These are designed to provoke an emotional reaction. Because these messages have become common in our everyday lives, the fight or flight response that used to save your life in the face of a predator is now a commonplace experience with significant relational and health consequences.
The fight or flight response emerges in all sorts of human interactions from disagreements about the fast-food order, a warning from a boss at work, or a disagreement with a significant other. Yet, most of these fight or flight responses do not emerge from the actual threat of the interaction but rather, the emotional experience and habits we practice when we feel these emotional experiences. Unfortunately when emotional reactivity is practiced, the biological systems are placed on ‘high-alert’ for every potential tiger around every corner. Over time specific emotions that bring about a stress response can trigger your biological fight or flight response without any conscious awareness.
For example, if disagreement is something you don’t handle well, you might feel attacked, overwhelmed, judged, and/or perhaps justified in your habitual response. If every time you feel one of these emotions you behave in a combative or disrespectful manner, it sets the stage for doing that the next time. In other words, I practice treating the situation like it’s a risk and respond as if my survival depends on fighting or flighting. In the case of the ‘Breaking news!”, you may attach the news as being front and center to justice, freedom, and your righteousness – being right.
Conflict is a normal and expected considering the diversity that exists in the world. If not viewed as normal, every news flash that highlights difference as conflict will be viewed as a threat while personal differences will lead to a deterioration of cooperation, collaboration, or compromise at work, home, or in social situations.
Most of us can identify with a person (ourselves or another) who does not possess flexibility, acceptance of difference or the ability to accept their emotions when feeling attacked, judged, or justified. This lack of flexibility leads to relational difficulties and the personal and professional consequences of broken trust in relationships. If you find yourself compulsively feeding your anxieties and fears by seeking and identifying paper tigers where threats do not pose any imminent risk, you can take steps to reduce over-identifying ‘enemies’ while having more measured responses to difficult emotions.
Identify when your ‘chain is being pulled’. There are plenty of reasons that others want you to join in their fight but you still can benefit from asking the question, ‘Is this the hill you want to die on?’
Identify if you are habitually responding to situations and people with a fight or flight response. Is any difference of opinion a threat or only political differences? Are differences from your boss, children, or partner those you resist?
Define a workaround for those high-response situations. Stay off of social media, practice ignoring those notifications and differences (they are not life-or-death). Decide that defending yourself with boss or partner is perhaps the least effective approach.
Use the term paper tiger to identify non-imminent events. Call a paper tiger a paper tiger. After all, these tigers can appear both unexpectedly and with some frequency. Engaging in healthy relationships requires thoughtful choices be made with the ability to respond to others deliberately or most likely, not responding at all.
By practicing new responses toward paper tigers you will be able to think your way through situations while creating relational opportunities and choices you may not know existed.